Thursday, March 22, 2001

Anyhow, I was all set on staying home this year and just relaxing in my beautiful house while everyone else was out-of-town. Then, just a few moments ago, we had a meeting and Rob started going into all the parties and booth babes and drinking and tripping and tripping because you're drunk and booth babes and… …well, I signed up. How could anyone miss all that!

The Mighty Mistress HellChick ran a cool inquiry thing a few months ago in which she asked the most esteemed game designers about their worse experience related to computers and such. The Levelord, our Beloved Levelord, was of course invited to join in. This is both entertaining and educational, so I thought I'd mention the topic again.

This is an example of why game designers do NOT open ICQ and don't answer emails. This is a typical case-in-point ICQ dialogue. You have to keep in mind, too, that there are 10-30 people doing this each and every day:

ICQ Shmoe: "Hi!"
ICQ Levelord: "Hey!"

…that's it, just a message saying "Hi!". Then there's an hour or two pause after I answer.

ICQ Shmoe: "How are you?"

…this is the normal second message, if this person is messaging for the very first time, this message is usually preceded by "Is this the REAL Levelord?".

…I inject my own hour-long pause now, because I am at work and actually have stuff to do, during which time I get the following stream of messages queued in my ICQ:

ICQ Shmoe: "Hello?"
ICQ Shmoe: "Are you there?"
ICQ Shmoe: "Hello?"
ICQ Shmoe: "Why aren't you answering me?"
ICQ Shmoe: "Hello?"
ICQ Shmoe: "Hello?"

…

ICQ Shmoe: "Hello?"

…I finally get back to ICQ:

ICQ Levelord: "Shit is great here!"

…another long pause:

ICQ Shmoe: "What are you doing?"
ICQ Levelord: "I'm working!"

ICQ Shmoe: "I'm playing Halflife."

…this is when I almost click on the Delete key ;)

ICQ Shmoe: "What game are you working on?"
ICQ Levelord: "I can't say yet!"

ICQ Shmoe: "Do you play Halflife?"

ICQ Shmoe: "Hello?"
ICQ Shmoe: "Are you there?"
ICQ Shmoe: "Hello?"
ICQ Shmoe: "Why aren't you answering me?"
ICQ Shmoe: "Hello?"

…this happens with email, too, but the pauses are obviously much longer. The above discourse will be repeated almost verbatim each day for about a month. Then Shmoe goes away for a few months, only to return again later.

Don't be fooled into thinking this is all coming from kids, either. A lot of these people, like the AntiELVIS, are as old as me, …physically!

I'm only kidding here, of course, we do love to get emails and ICQs, but when you don't get answers from developers, this is a lot of the reason. As a suggestion, if you want to get replies from developers, say things like this:

ICQ Shmoe: "Is this the REAL Levelord? Dude, you are so fucking awesome! I mean, you're 12 times better than that CliffyB fruitcake!"

…or:

ICQ Shmoe: "You guys at Ritual are like THE gaming gods of the world! You're like the pantheon of party timers and your shit rocks!"

…or:

ICQ Shmoette: "Levelord, I think I am hopelessly smitten! I can't stop thinking about having your children! Can I at least send you a picture of my boobs?"

…or:

ICQ Shmoe: "Why does Tom cut his hair like that?"

Tuesday, March 20, 2001

It one of the "conversational" courses in which you learn phrases and common vocabulary. I was hoping for a beginners class to first learn the basics, …like the alphabet and grammar.

There are only six students, so we get extra attention, but all the other five are at least at the intermediate stage of the language and are there just to rehash their skills for future travel. The teacher writes everything in Cyrillic, the Russian alphabet. This alphabet is similar to the Greek letters I remember from engineering and math, but it is indeed very foreign. She tells me to write everything phonetically. Ya, sure, like I can even assign our letters to whatever you just said.

Sorry, had to dump there…

…want to see how cool my Mom is and why I turned out so incredibly well? Here is a picture of my Dad, …there, …in the Skippy jar. Dad loved Skippy and I can still see him dabbing wads of the stuff straight from the jar onto his tongue while watching television. Mom strew most of the ashes in the garden back at the house in Tolland (shhh, that's not legal!) and kept a token portion in this jar. Way cool, Mom!

I have asked my Brethren here at Ritual to place me in a bong, but I fear Rob will try to smoke my resin-laden ashes. Perhaps the Ghost of Romero will protect me. 

Monday, March 19, 2001

Yes, that is an "I Dream of Jeannie" cut-out doll. Even as a 1st-grader I knew this was the perfect woman. Physically beautiful, no doubt, but it was the "Yes, Master!" that really sold me. Now that I'm an adult, I also see the benefits of the bottle.

On the bookshelf? A Quake cereal box, `cause, you know. An O.J. Simpson doll, complete with bloodied knife. The Hand from Yellow Submarine, and Duke Nukem getting a bit of Barbie's boob.

On the computer? G.I. Joe sailor from the U.S.S. Connecticut. Buddy Jesus and Clive Barker's "Weeping Demon". Charlie Manson is offering a tab of acid, for anyone that's into that sort of stuff.

We can also see a signed Warriors poster sent by Chet, Eric, and Marvin of Old Man Murray. The fringe benefits are indeed incredible!

The guns have red tips because they are Airsoft toys and we have laws so you don't get shot by the police. 

Friday, March 16, 2001

Thanks, Brother Michael Scott and all you Bionomic Chair Weavers! This thing is awesome! The Australians make a fine chair! The only trouble is that I'm so comfortable, I don't even want to get up to get another cup of coffee ;)

The KLM Royal Dutch Airlines headrest protector is on my chair, BTW, because I often daydream that I am flying into Amsterdam ;)

As I prepare to take Russian next week, I worry a bit about its different alphabet, called Cyrillic. It's one thing to take German or Spanish in which there are a few new characters, but basically the letters are the same, both in shape and pronunciation.

I saw a report on Headline News this morning, though, that made me feel much better. My first language, English, has got to be the most fucked-up language there is! Did anyone else see this report about Dyslexia and the English language? Seems we have the highest ratio of this syndrome, and it's because our language is so screwed.

In English, "1,100 ways that letters in the written language are used to symbolize the 40 sounds in the spoken language", while in Italian, "33 sounds in Italian are spelled with only 25 letters or letter combinations". It is a rich language, English is, and it has an incredible history, but holy shit! …1,1000 ways to spell only 40 sounds!

I want to thank the Frisians and Danes and Romans and Jutes and Saxons and Angles and French and all you fuckers that kept invading that poor little island and injecting your outraaaagious accents on the once pure and simple Brittons!

In case you want to read the report… click here. 

Thursday, March 15, 2001

I took my Mom to the eye surgeon yesterday to get a cataract replaced. I was waiting in the patient room and noticed the television playing a tape of actual cataract surgeries. I thought, "Jees, this is cool, but it's gotta upset the squimish and those getting ready to go under those cool utensils!". I watched two or three of the 5-minute operations and noticed that the other people waiting were very intently watching this video.

I started talking with some of them, mainly because they seemed so fascinated with this video. I felt like I was missing something. I was, …the woman next to me informed me that those were not taped operations, but the actual operations going on in the other room.

I looked up at the monitor again and immediately noticed that the current specimen on the screen had a very familiar hazel-colored eye. It was Mom's eye! The "cool video" all of a sudden became a creepy one, watching this instrument poke and lance my Mom's eyeball, yank out discolored protein globs from under the lens cap, then squeeze in this new silicon lens.

Way cool, almost painless, very quick, and short recovery time operation, BTW, …I don't mean to scare anyone. Some of the people there were getting their second eye done and said that it was like seeing for the first time through the first fixed eye.

Related to the eyes, here's photographic proof that cannabis sativa is viable preventive medicine for glaucoma! …been practicing for decades and just wanted to share the education of my experience. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2001

Sent in by Mister Lister, this mock-up screenshot looks incredibly similar to my living room! Incredible!

Speaking of my living room, I was reminded of something last night that I'd like to share with you. Every 3-4 months, buy a VHS tape and record whatever you watch on television one night. Record the shows, the commercials, the channel surfing, and the TV Guide channel. Then store the tape away.

I was watching a tape of Seinfeld last night that I recorded in Connecticut in 1993. It happened to be the night a huge NorEaster (big winter storm in New England) was rolling and the tape propelled me back to that night, …the child-like thrill of being snowed-in and not having to go to work. A hot cup of coffee in the morning and a game of DOOM, …if the power was on. What a great night, and the tape captured it all.

One more bit of suggestion, ...Buy stocks, and buy them now! When the blood is running in the streets! Five years from now you will not believe the price you paid for them now ;) 

Tuesday, March 13, 2001

I just got one of those electronicalacious BB guns from Airsoft. Way cool toy, but I just have to make fun of the instruction sheet. In case you can't read the inset picture, it says, and I quote, …"SHOULD BE ON SAFE DEVICE IF DNO'T PRESS THE TRIGGER DON'T PRESS THE TRIGGER IF NO GETTING RID OF SAFETY DEVICE" …ha, ha, ha!

Related, why is it that most all foreigners have a cool accent when they speak American. We can make fun of the grammer, perhaps, but the sound is almost always cool? Contrarily, why is that the American accent is always so uncool? I can't think of a language in which our accent sounds anything other than stumbling and clumsy and guttery. Weird!

I start my Russian classes next week. I can't wait to meet my Moscovian friends at E3 this year. Now I will know what Serge, Alexei, and Dmitri will be talking about when they say things like "Eto Levelord? Da on vigladit kak kakoy-to stariy hrich!" and "Ya dumayu on piet vodki bolshe, chem Yeltsin!".
 

Monday, March 12, 2001

Friday, March 9, 2001

Related to shooting game developers, here's an interesting situation that only proves what I have been saying since 1994, …"Level designers will RULE the world!". Let's look at Ritual, for instance. We started with six owners: two programmers (Mark Dochtermann and Jim Dose'), two artists (Robert Atkins and Michael Hadwin), and two level designers (Levelord and some other guy). This, as a mere but none-the-less strangely proportioned coincidence, is an even representation of the three main disciplines of the shooter game developer community.

Let's look at Ritual now. Two programmers gone, Mark and Jim! One artist gone, Michael! It's down to ParadoX and the Levelord. We figure we'll have the AnarChrist muscled out within another week or three, …after the arsenic has had time to build to a sufficient level.

…remember, …level designers will RULE the world! 

Wednesday, March 7, 2001

Tuesday, March 6, 2001

Here's an enigma, ...one that's up there with all the dead pigeons. Since I've already mentioned green terds, I guess I don't have to worry about being too disgusting. Has anyone else figured out what is going on in the stomach that allows it to puke up the day's lunch but not dinner? I mean, it's basically a simple sack for applying acids and enzymes and then holding the contents until they all have time to do their work, right?

How is it possible to fill it with one type of food, then fill it again six hours later with another very distincfully different type of food, then throw-up the first filling four hours later with not even a hint of the second filling? A real poser, me thinks!

Okay, ...onto the REAL update! Here it is, an interview with the Illustrious Blue of Blue's News! That's right, talk about exclusive and the fringe benefits of being a big-time, fat cat developer!