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February 1998 |
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02
February 1998 |
00:03:45 CST... ...tick, tock, ...tick, tock, ...well, tick, ...in 17 hours
and 57 minutes (not that we're counting, ...much), tock, ...it will have been a week that
our lord put down the evil, wicked cancer sticks. For any of you out there still foolish
enough to think you want to start this lovely habit... ...DON'T! It's a monkey you'll
never get off your back and it's the most insidious, unforgiving, relentless addiction in
the world, ...and I've had a few of the more 'serious' ones to know what I'm saying, ...ya
know what I'm sayin'?
This will be the fourth time I quit smoking, ...er,
cigarettes, and hopefully it will be the last. I've quit three times before, once for two
years in 1977, again in 1981 for three years, and then once more in 1988 for five years.
That's right, five fricken years and I still thought about the little bastards at least
once a week until a few too many beers convinced me that I could have just *one* smoke one
Frinight... ...and I did have that one smoke, ...then two the next weekend, ...and so on
until within one short month, I was back to a pack a day.
The Birdman and a Golden Toothbrush... ...if you're
wondering what spurred this recent wrestling with the cold tobacco turkey... ...it was a
Birdman and a Golden Toothbrush. I was channel surfing last Monnight when I happened on
one of those medical shows. This one had a middle-aged dude chirping through one of those
voice boxes, breathing through a permanent trachial tube, and warning about the hazards of
smoking... ...he had all of his lower jaw, tongue, larynx, and upper trachia removed...
...he looked like some horrific bird with the only prominant feature left on his face
being his nose. It's strange, although they're excruciatingly painful ways to die, the
thoughts of lung cancer and heart disease never really enter my mind. However, the thought
of becoming an unsightly, grotesque remnant of some otomist's scalpel snapped me straight
up... ...we really are a self-conscious lot, aren't we o' lord.
The toothbrush is what set the real stage, though. For
whatever strange connections that have been linked in my head, ...actually, it's probably
from Dr. Frank Pasenelli who used to drill my three-to-six-cavities-per-year *without*
novacaine when I was a kid (weak gene pool and too much candy), ...whenever I dream about
my teeth, it's usually related to my general health because teeth were my first encounter
with real medical intervension. Anyhow, that very same night that I saw this medical show,
I also dreamed about three golden toothbrushes. I remember thinking "Cool, I still
have three left." as I opened my bathroom drawer. I always buy blue toothbrushes,
BTW, ...see the connection?
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04 February 1998 |
Mr. Reagan where are you when we need you! This
Iraqathon has to stop... ...`cause I know who's paying for it come April. "Any act of
force could result in a world war!"... ...yadda, yadda, yadda, and fuck you very much
Yeltsin! We weren't afraid of you when you WERE a world power, who the fuck cares now.
Let's remember all this, too, when it comes time to subsidize your next twelve grain
failures, you fuck! Why, oh why are we dicking with this god damned Hussein anyway? Didn't
we kick his ass just a bit ago... ...and now we're playing palace shell games with the
bastard? He must go home every single night and laugh his ass off at our expense...
...*my* expense! A simple "You cross this line in the sand, you die!" threat
from Kadafi and beloved Mr. Reagan had three Tomahawks heading for ol' Momar's
livingroom... ...never heard from that fruitcake again, did we. ...could be just the nic
fit talking here, but I sure don't get any of this shit! Speaking of nic fits... ...thanks for all the cool email related to certain
forgotten habits ;) It seems quite a few Quakers have given up the cancer sticks
recently... ...must be all the press recently about Mr. Reynolds and his friends. It
really is amazing, the changes you go through so quickly as an ex-smoker. In one short
week, I've already put on 10 pounds without changing any eating or exercise habits.
Nicotene ramps up your metabolism that much! The weight doesn't bother me... ...I can
loose that much more quickly than regenerate new avioli (love ya, Zoe!). I also fall
asleep, and often do, at the drop of a hat now. When I opened the patio door last night, I
was truly floored at how nice the air smelled... ...I mean it was heavenly! Yesterday, a
filthy stench-ridden smoker (adopting the new "way") passed me in the hallway
and I almost puked at the pugnant reeking that followed him. Anyhow, again, thanks so much
for all the cool words everyone sent!
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08 February 1998 |
...Well, it's early Sunday morning, got the stereo blasting away, freshing toasted (toast
is so much more crisp when your lungs aren't coated with tobacco smoke;), and cranking on
some levels in our new office space. This is way cool, apart from the new space being
"new", we were crammed like Bismarck Herrings in the old office. I even have
enough room to crack my 16-foot bullwhip! ...hey, man, ...it's Texas, ...live it, ...love
it! Speaking of stereos blasting, I've got
MegaDeath's latest blaring (ya, ya, it's a 97 release, but remember how old and slow I
am!) and just noticed the title of the 7th track... ...Sin! Yes boys, play it loud please!
MegaDeath will ALWAYS remind me of 18-hour stretches of Duke leveling and Allen The Third
Blum playing "Youthanasia" thirteen times in a row... ...bless his demented
little heart. Dave Mustaine... ...hmmmm, you don't supposed, do you, that Tom has an alter
profession like that sCary Spice bitch (how ya doin' BTW, Steve)?
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| 16 February 1998 |
Seems kinda quiet, so maybe we should share a Dick story? This is one that
happened just a bit ago, but enough time has passed to protect any guilty parties. In
fact, the very location itself is no longer where it was. Dick had been out entertaining this night with one of his work
cohorts and some visiting dignitaries of the reporter type. We'll call the cohort
"Furry" and the dignitaries... ...well, they shall remain complete anominous. It
came time to close the bars, ...errrr, restaurants, and time to go home. After dropping
off the dignitaries, Dick found himself following Furry home on Route 57.
Route 57 is under major recontruction and it has been a
real mess for more than a few years. Actually, according to Dick, negotiating 57 is alot
like riding a life-sized Hot Wheels track... ...barely two lanes in either direction,
bordered by those moveable 3-foot high cement embankments, and an ever-varying assortment
of curves and blind dips as they shift the barriers almost daily.
Furry had recently bought a new used sport car, and he
and Dick were now jockying for the pole position to the last exit before home. Furry was
in the lead and looked to be a cinch to the exit ramp. Dick, however, would be damned if
he was going to let Furry's Japanese piece-of-shit beat his classic Toyota Van so he
barrelled a full head of steam from his 1 1/2 cylinders and gunned it for the exit...
...swooshing first left, then passing Furry, then careening back to the right just in time
to hit the exit. Again, keep in mind, that the exits change their configuration often, and
that it was late, and that Dick was letting his ego get the best of him.
...Anyhow, that's exactly what Dick did... ...he hit the
exit, ...BOOM! 55mph in a 25mph exit ramp and he slammed square into the left-most
barricade. A brief moment of silence as Dick and his airborn van flew though 50ft of air
and... ...BOOM! ...he and the Yoter broad-sided the right-most barrier! Having next come
to a oscillating rest, Furry pulled up to look for gibs... ...he figured Dick was a goner
after a collision of this caliber.
Fortunately for us all, it wasn't the end of Dick, or
even the Yoter, which started right up again. It was quite amazing, in fact, as the Yoter
seemed to have sustained very little damage other than a few small scraps and a slight
distortion of the right side. Dick says that other than the sound of wind rushing in the
passenger's door when he drives faster than 10mph, there's hardly a noticable difference!
...well, the power steering is evidently out now, too, but that could be mere coincidence.
Bottom line, and you know this already... ...don't
be a Dick!
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19 February 1998 |
Just got back from a walkies trip to the Post Office
and you know what I noticed alot of? ...little huddles of smokers sheilding themselves
from the wind and rain and puffing almost frantically as they did. The Germans, bless
their demented little hearts, have a term for this... ...I can't remember it now, but it
roughly translates into "gaining enjoyment from the misfortune of others". I do
love the Germans! Related to a recent Gameslice
article about SiN, I'd like to clear up a misunderstanding due to some re-wording and
re-arranging in the article. The article would have you believe that I want to kill our
Apogeean competition exclusively. No, no, no... ...everyone knows that I want to kill ALL
our competition!
Speaking of killing, I've done alot of thinking about my
recent blast against Clinically Hussein. I must admit, and thanks for all the email, that
maybe I was a bit harsh and, you know, even ignorant. Maybe I was being a Dick with the
nic fits and all. Maybe we should just let him do his thing in his country and stop using
this fruitcake as some projected "bad guy" for U.S. world posturing. Maybe we...
...Na! Fuck that and fuck him! ...Send over a Tomahawk,
Bill!
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20 February 1998 |
Jeees! Look, look, ...if I really had my way, I'd put
Saddam on some little Island of Exile, like Napoleon. The guy screwed-up royal by
attacking Kuwait yet he's still dicking around telling the UN the conditions of what was a
full surrender eight years ago. He's a fricken primative animal and I do not enjoy
throwing my 35% at him each year. I feel sorry for the Iraqi people and think this embargo
thing is just as fucked as Saddam. Please stop telling me what arrogant assholes we
Americans are and especially what an ignorant dick I am... ...we know that and I know that
;) Well, it's in the works... ...the lord is being
officially knighted! ...at least as far as the American Royal Family is concerned. It's
Levelord™ from now on ;) While we're speaking of things lofty, a special "Way
cool!" to Dr. Sleep and Sverre on the Wired thing! Paradox and I are moping over here
after being cut from the article, ...but we're still hoping for Playboy and Penthouse.
Seriously, nice work boys! ...Wired!
Megadeth defintely rules! They were always sort of
bubble gum to me but, thanks to their latest CD and Allen The Third Blum, I have
definitely seen the light. Very cool tunage by which to level, especially Youthanasia and
Cryptic Writings. Related, definitely thankful to Sgt. Hadwin and Dad for the Manson turn
on, Jeff Meunier for NIN, and Lovel for the Metallica ;) Music is so cool! ...I wish it
didn't make my ears ring so much, though.
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21 February 1998 |
Tequila makes you do strange things! Shit... ...can't just leave you with that one-liner. I felt it had
to be said, though, having awaken this morning minus the beard. Not sure what happened to
it, and it was a real rush looking in the mirror this morning! How about a small Dick
Story for compensation of you linking here?
Cool! ...I was reminded of this story yesterday when I
went to thank One Thumb for the delicious baked goodies that he shared from his Birthday
Care Package. I wanted to make sure he told his "sister and girlfriend" (as
mentioned in his invitational email about the goodies being in the kitchen) that the
sticky buns were absolutely incredible. As any proper sticky bun should be... ...the bun
was but a mere vehicle for the gobs of goo on top, all around, and all throughout!
Anyhow, as I started to say "Make sure you tell your
sister and girlfriend how..." I realized that I wasn't sure if these were two people
cooking for our boy Don, or only one... ...know what I mean? You laugh, but I have heard
of such incestual relations still happening to this day. Actually, and quite coincidently,
"Family Tree" is playing right as I type this ;)
Well, like I said, Dick told me of a girl he was once
familiar (no pun;) with while going to night school for his MBA in Connecticut. Keep that
in mind, as I tell you this, that this occurred in Yankee Heaven and NOT the South as
often joked.
Dick and this girl, Trixie, were in the same class
together and slowly began to hit it off over the semester. It started with a partnership
in a project, which lead to meeting before class at a local Chinese restaurant, which lead
to meeting after class in the parking lot, which lead to subsidizing the faulty heater in
her pick-up truck. She was very pretty, a few years younger, blonde, professionally
dressed, and VERY friendly. She had great tracks of land, too!
Dick knew she had a steady beau as she talked about him
often. Dick didn't care because, well, he's a Dick. Trixie would also talk alot about her
cousin... ...her first cousin, mind you. One night, towards the end of the semester and
after a very heavy petting session, Dick and Trixie sat and talked in her truck. She
talked about the boy friend for a while, and then the cousin, then the boyfreind again...
...until finally, after about two hours, the two subjects made a crashing collision as
Dick realized that these two dudes were actually the same person! The last topic, BTW, was
how she had to call the perimedics one night when he slipped in the shower and badly hit
his head... ...he suffered from epileptic seizures! Ya, ya, big fucking suprise Trixie!
Last Dick heard, Trixie and her twitching familiar were
setting the date to get married... ...no shit, plans for kids and all! ...good ol'
Connecticut!
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25 February 1998 |
Can noone find Duke? (RITUALISTIC.COM) ...Shirley it's not from lack of
caring and concern! Why do I bother sometimes! We had to cancel the Mutant Hamster Races,
there was only one entry for the Madam Currie Look-Alike Contest... ...can anyone tell
that the Levelord has alot of downtime waiting for VISes lately?
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